What to Do for a Friend Who Lost a Family Member

grief & loss

Helping Someone Who's Grieving

Is someone yous know grieving a loss? Larn what to say and how to condolement someone through bereavement, grief, and loss.

Young woman, arm around another, comforting her

How to back up someone who's grieving

When someone you care about is grieving after a loss, information technology can be difficult to know what to say or exercise. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including low, acrimony, guilt, and profound sadness. Ofttimes, they too feel isolated and lone in their grief, since the intense pain and difficult emotions tin can make people uncomfortable about offering support.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved one feel fifty-fifty worse at such a difficult fourth dimension. Or maybe you recollect there's fiddling you can do to make things meliorate. That's understandable. But don't permit discomfort forestall you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. Now, more than ever, your loved i needs your back up. You don't need to have answers or give communication or say and do all the right things. The about important thing you tin practise for a grieving person is to merely be there. Information technology'southward your support and caring presence that will aid your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

The keys to helping a loved one who'due south grieving

Don't let fears about saying or doing the wrong affair terminate you from reaching out.
Permit your grieving loved one know that yous're in that location to listen.
Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time.
Offer to assistance in practical ways.
Maintain your back up after the funeral.

Helping a grieving person tip ane: Understand the grieving process

The better your agreement of grief and how it is healed, the ameliorate equipped you'll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

At that place is no correct or incorrect mode to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It tin be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Anybody grieves differently, and then avoid telling your loved one what they "should" be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess well-nigh the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your loved one needs reassurance that what they experience is normal. Don't judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

There is no gear up timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery subsequently bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may exist longer or shorter. Don't force per unit area your loved ane to movement on or make them feel like they've been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.

Tip 2: Know what to say to someone who's grieving

While many of united states of america worry about what to say to a grieving person, it's actually more important to listen. Frequently, well-meaning people avoid talking about the expiry or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing at that place's nothing they can say to brand it improve, they try to avert the grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved demand to feel that their loss is best-selling, it's non too terrible to talk about, and their loved 1 won't be forgotten. One mean solar day they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another solar day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By beingness nowadays and listening compassionately, you can have your cues from the grieving person. Simply existence there and listening to them tin can be a huge source of comfort and healing.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who's grieving

While yous should never try to force someone to open up up, it's important to let your grieving friend or loved i know that you're there to listen if they desire to talk about their loss. Talk candidly almost the person who died and don't steer abroad from the subject if the deceased'due south name comes up. And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without existence nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly limited their feelings. Past just request, "Practice you feel like talking?" you're letting your loved ane know that you're bachelor to heed.

You tin can also:

Admit the state of affairs. For example, y'all could say something as simple as: "I heard that your begetter died." By using the word "died" you'll show that you're more than open to talk near how the grieving person actually feels.

Limited your concern. For example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to y'all."

Allow the bereaved talk almost how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute particular. Exist patient. Repeating the story is a manner of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you're helping your loved ane heal.

[Read: Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved Ane]

Ask how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief tin can alter quickly so don't assume you lot know how the bereaved person feels at whatever given time. If y'all've gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you lot think it would assist. Think, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. No 2 people feel it exactly the aforementioned mode, and so don't claim to "know" what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Once again, put the accent on listening instead, and inquire your loved one to tell you how they're feeling.

Have your loved one's feelings. Let the grieving person know that it's okay to cry in front of you, to get aroused, or to pause down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. Grief is a highly emotional feel, so the bereaved need to feel free to limited their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fright of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication. Don't try to minimize their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offering unsolicited communication. Information technology's far meliorate to just listen to your loved one or simply admit: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want yous to know I care."

Be willing to sit in silence. Don't printing if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. Often, condolement for them comes from simply being in your company. If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Offer your back up. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or equally a shoulder to cry on.

Things to avoid saying to someone who's grieving

"It'due south function of God'due south program." This platitude tin can anger people. Often, they'll respond with, "What programme? Nobody told me most whatever program."

"Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.

"He'southward in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your behavior to yourself unless asked.

"This is backside yous at present; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they experience this means "forgetting" their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a listen of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with "You lot should" or "You volition." These statements are also directive. Instead you could brainstorm your comments with: "Take you idea about…" or "You might try…"

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 3: Offering practical aid

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or but be too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not take the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so instead of proverb, "Allow me know if there'southward annihilation I can do," go far easier for them past making specific suggestions. Y'all could say, "I'm going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from in that location?" or "I've made beefiness stew for dinner. When tin can I come by and bring yous some?"

If you lot're able, try to exist consistent in your offers of help. The grieving person will know that you lot'll be there for as long equally it takes and tin look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the boosted effort of asking once more and once more.

At that place are many practical ways you can assist a grieving person. You tin offering to:

Shop for groceries or run errands.
Drop off a goulash or other blazon of food.
Help with funeral arrangements.
Stay in your loved one's home to have phone calls and receive guests.
Aid with insurance forms or bills.
Accept care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry.
Watch their children or pick them upwardly from schoolhouse.
Bulldoze your loved ane wherever they need to get.
Look after your loved one'southward pets.
Go with them to a support grouping meeting.
Accompany them on a walk.
Take them to lunch or a movie.
Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project).

Tip 4: Provide ongoing support

Your loved ane volition continue grieving long subsequently the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, but ofttimes lasts much longer than nearly people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your back up for months or even years.

Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch on with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than e'er.

Don't make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while within they're suffering. Avoid maxim things like "You are so strong" or "You lot wait and then well." This puts pressure on the person to continue upwardly appearances and to hibernate their true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Exist sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don't "get over" the expiry of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to have the loss. The hurting may lessen in intensity over time, merely the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra back up on special days. Certain times and days of the year volition exist specially difficult for your grieving friend or family fellow member. Holidays, family unit milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that y'all're in that location for whatever they need.

Tip 5: Watch for warning signs of depression

It's common for a grieving person to feel depressed, dislocated, disconnected from others, or like they're going crazy. But if the bereaved person's symptoms don't gradually start to fade—or they get worse with fourth dimension—this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you notice whatever of the following alert signs after the initial grieving menstruation—especially if it's been over 2 months since the death.

Difficulty functioning in daily life.
Extreme focus on the expiry.
Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt.
Neglecting personal hygiene.
Alcohol or drug corruption.

Inability to enjoy life.
Hallucinations.
Withdrawing from others.
Constant feelings of hopelessness.
Talking nigh dying or suicide.

It can exist tricky to bring upwardly your concerns to the bereaved person as you don't want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your ain feelings: "I am troubled past the fact that you aren't sleeping—peradventure yous should look into getting help."

Take talk of suicide very seriously

If a grieving friend or family unit fellow member talks virtually suicide, seek aid immediately. Please read Suicide Prevention or call a suicide helpline:

In the U.Southward., telephone call 1-800-273-8255.
In the UK, phone call 116 123.
Or visit IASP for a helpline in your land.

How to comfort a child who's grieving

Even very immature children feel the pain of bereavement, just they acquire how to express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss—particularly of a sibling or parent—children need support, stability, and honesty. They may likewise need extra reassurance that they volition be cared for and kept condom. As an developed, y'all can support children through the grieving procedure by demonstrating that it's okay to be deplorable and helping them make sense of the loss.

Answer any questions the child may accept as truthfully as you tin. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining decease to a child. Children—especially young children—may arraign themselves for what happened and the truth helps them meet they are not at mistake.

Open up advice will shine the manner for a child to express sorry feelings. Considering children often express themselves through stories, games, and artwork, encourage this cocky-expression, and look for clues in those activities about how they are coping.

Helping a grieving child
Practise:
Allow your child, yet young, to attend the funeral if they want to. Convey your spiritual values about life and expiry or pray with your child. Meet regularly every bit a family to find out how anybody is coping. Help your kid observe ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person. Keep your child's daily routine equally normal equally possible. Pay attention to the mode your kid plays; this can be how they communicate grief.
Don't:
Force a child to publicly mourn if they don't want to. Requite simulated or disruptive messages, similar "Grandma is sleeping now." Tell a child to stop crying because others might get upset. Try to shield a child from the loss. Children pick up on much more than adults realize. Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal. Stifle your tears. By crying in forepart of your child, yous transport the message that it's okay for them to express feelings, too. Turn your child into your personal confidante. Rely on another adult or a support group instead.

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Source: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm